Hello? Hello?! Is this thing on?!
I enter my 14th year of blogging my gaming top ten with the very real fear that I’m screaming into the void. One of the less documented downsides of Musk’s catastrophic takeover of Twitter, is that my audience will have almost dried up completely. The small community I managed to build up over the years gradually migrated away before I made the plunge myself mid-year, when the site became less of a dumpster fire and more of a trash supernova. Yes, it was always a hellhole, but it was my hellhole God damn it and the time I’ve gained by giving up my daily dose of mind-numbing, doom-scrolling visual diarrhoea has been counterbalanced by the decade long acquaintances I’ve lost. Twitter is my X; although when it was renamed as such, I doubt they had a poisonous relationship that you’re glad to be out of in mind.
There would have been better years for a real time Brewster’s Millions to unfold, because 2023 has been an absolute belter for videogames. So much so, that I’ve genuinely not had time to play everything I’ve wanted to (despite having more time to do so now the kids are a bit older and don’t want to spend time with me). It also hasn’t helped that all of the brilliant games that have been released are roughly a million, billion hours long. The post-COVID bottleneck has well and truly been busted, with quality gaming spraying all over the place like a piss in a bush after a two hour rail replacement service.
This does sadly mean there’s no place for Baldur’s Gate 3 in my list. I do want to play it as the hype has successfully pushed it past my fantasy threshold (that’s my threshold for the fantasy genre, and not my general horniness). This is a crying shame as my wife referred to it as ‘Baldurdash’ in conversation once and that misnomer would have made a killer anecdote in the write up. I was also tempted by Final Fantasy XVI, but just didn’t get round to it. Nor Alan Wake 2. Nor Diablo 4. Fortunately I managed to avoid wasting my time on the Xbox double header of disappointment – Redfall and Starfield – but the fact I haven’t even got a take on these things despite being able to play for ‘free’ on Game Pass just shows how jam-packed the year has been.
Some of the games that have made my list may seem a little out-of-place given that it’s been a year where I’ve had to be selective with my time. And on reflection, there’s a disproportionate amount of remakes. But this has been a year of relentless quality. Although I wouldn’t give anything 10/10, there’s been more nines than a German translation of that 2 Unlimited song. And that’s to be celebrated. So here I am, celebrating it. With all three of you. Thanks a bunch, Elon.
10. Cocoon (Xbox Series)
As any self-respecting gaming blogger knows, you’ve got to have a short, wanky indie in your top ten. An end of year list just ain’t the same unless it involves an interesting art style, a plinky-plonky soundtrack and a subtly told narrative for you to stroke your beard to. As my 2023 drew to a close, it looked dangerously like my list was going to be devoid of this vital ingredient and made up more of the type of game that the guy at work who drinks Monster likes. Fortunately, at the very death I played through Cocoon; a game of worlds within worlds set on a barely explained robo-Insect planet with no HUD and a five hour runtime. Ha! Snob credentials restored. *loudly sips coffee*.
Cocoon’s concept is high, which is suitable considering the art is very much the kind of thing you’d expect to see when you’re off your tits. The items you collect also exist as worlds within themselves, so you jump into them and back out again when they’re placed upon little pedestals. It’s fair to say what follows is a natural progression of this idea as you place levels within levels and explore the various ways you can make the environments interact with each other. It’s Inception with bugs. It’s Insection, staring Millipillian Murphy. And somehow fractionally more up its own arse than that film manages.
Yes, the whole thing does suffer ever-so-slightly of having an air of ‘look at how terribly clever I am’, despite actually being easier than some of its counterparts. Comparable games like The Witness, Fez or Baba is You can make Cocoon seem like a pupae. But this isn’t actually a criticism. The puzzling is far more laid-back. It’s gently taxing, like the Cayman Islands. I played the whole thing through in a week where my brain was frazzled by work, but rather than add to the frazzling, it defrazzed. Each mystery solved and grand reward was like a reassuring pat-on-the-back and a whisper in my ear that I’m not completely useless. It was a very nice time that reminded me ever-so-slightly of an early Zelda dungeon. And those are pretty darn good I’ll have you know.
Then, about an hour from the end Cocoon completely loses its mind and deals out four or five puzzles that made me do little excited squeals at just how elegant they were. We’re talking big brain Bertie shit, and spoiling these would literally ruin the whole thing – so I’m not going to do it. But they also manage to keep within the chilled out, hmmm let me think on this, vibe. Cocoon contains literally no tutorialising text whatsoever. Everything is taught to you through gentle nudges and environmental quirks. In fact; I’m not completely sure I understood the solution to one and just kind of resolved it on autopilot, so in tuned was I to the workings of the game. An unusual feeling but a pretty pleasant one it has to be said.
As Cocoon concludes, you’re left with the kind of satisfaction you get from polishing off a nice big roast dinner. It was an achievement, honest it was. And as the story finishes heavily influenced by one sci-fi film, I’m reminded the game shares its name with another – the eighties one directed by Ron Howard. That Cocoon was about old people being made to young by aliens. This Cocoon is about old people being made to feel smart by bugs. And I’m very grateful to it for that service.
9. EAFC 24 (Xbox Series)
The Shakesperean-era playwrite William Shakespeare once wrote that ‘a rose by any other name would smell as sweet’. Far be it from me to step to the greatest writer in the history of the English language, but I think that’s bullshit. If I rocked up to an anniversary dinner and presented by wife with a dozen red Prolapse Dumplings I expect she’d find them rather unappealing. But that’s more-or-less what EA have been faced with here. After falling out with FIFA – one of the few global organisations that can successfully claim to be more toxic than EA themselves – the series had a choice; to present you with something familiar in unfamiliar branding or draw a line in the sand and make a new starting point. The beginning of a fresh and vibrant new era! The prospect was enough to get me involved; an old PES-player who has spent the last few years watching that series getting steadily shitter – a bit like Chelsea, eh lads? Wayhey! Football banta! Tits and beer!
Well, give me ten and a half thousand pounds and call me Lynn, because just like the mini-metro, they’ve rebadged it you fool. This is precisely the same thing that we had before, except the letters before the numbers are different. Even then, they’ve actually only just changed two and jiggled the rest around a bit. But that familiarity is kinda comforting. Like when it gets to December and you find last year’s smelly old Christmas slippers in the back of the wardrobe. You might need to hold your nose a bit, but damn it’s nice to be back.
I can’t really claim to have played enough of the old ones to really pick up on all the delicious subtle teas, but FIF-I mean, EAFC still has that eye for the razamatazz. This is football as presented by Sky on a Sunday afternoon. All swooping, whooping camera shots and people telling you ‘It’s LIIIIIIIIIIIVE!’. During my time desperately trying to restore a semblance of respect to West London, I think I scored roughly two headers and a similar number of tap ins. Everything is spectacular with very little grime or graft. The crowds in game don’t have any beer, but they don’t have any Bovril either. It’s a sanitized version of the sport, shoulders brushed and tie straightened to look smart in front of its grandparents.
This isn’t necessarily a criticism. In my first year of University I had a Pro Evo rivalry with a mate that was basically a series of nil-nils. That plain doesn’t happen here. It’s a different type of good. A less nourishing type of good perhaps, but good none-the-less. It’s Texas BBQ Pringles. It’s I’m a Celebrity. It’s an Amazon parcel. I’m reliably informed that if I really want to encounter a bit of the rough I should go online or – God forbid it – have a go of Ultimate Team. But seeing as I currently appear to be the only remaining male over the age of 16 that doesn’t have to gamble on fucking everything, I’m giving that gateway drug a bit of a swerve thanks very much.
There is a reason this thing is so stratospherically popular. It’s just actual proper good It portrays an accurate enough simulation of the glorious highs and the relentless, soul-crushing lows of a season of football and it does so by ensuring each match has all the drama of the first game on Match of the Day with none of the tedium of the last one. Does the name matter? Or are all those films right, and it’s what’s on the inside that counts? Like Marc Cucurella’s hair this is a full-bodied, shiny and luxurious experience. The intro sting has been telling us ‘it’s in the game’ for years but ‘EA’ is in the name now. On this evidence, long may it continue.
8. Metroid Prime Remastered (Nintendo Switch)
Like any other parent, my house has been heaving with Prime for a year-or-so now as a couple of pesky YouTubers manage to convince an entire generation that spending a tenner on drink that doesn’t even have any alcohol in it is a good idea. But perhaps this is just as well, seeing as Nintendo have been restricting access to Prime for well over a decade. 2007’s release of 3 is the last 3D entry we’ve had, with 2017’s announcement of Metroid Prime 4 remaining just that; an announcement. Oh, and a logo. But you can’t play a logo so Nintendo have done the only sensible option available to them and spruced up a twenty year old game and charged thirty quid for it. If that sounds a little arsey it’s because I’m a little arsey. Fortunately my arse is counterbalanced by the total quality in front of it (for clarity, that’s my opinion this remaster and not of my penis).
Metroid Prime Remastered is more than the title suggests. Although far from a total ground up remake, remaking has definitely gone on. I’d suggest the term ‘re-creation’ except I don’t quite have the cultural clout to affect the medium’s nomenclature. Rather than make the original look fancy, they’ve completely rebuilt it piece-by-piece. It’s Trigger’s Broom or the Ship of Theseus (depending on wanky your references are) and deserves to be treated as such. It’s not precisely the same, but it is precisely how you remember it, and that success is down to the quality of the nip-and-tuck. I did a brief bit of comparison during my playtime and I assure you, it did not look like this in 2003. But it does a wonderful job of tricking the brain that it did – firing up your nostalglands (nostalgia glands*) and releasing all those nostalgloids (nostalgia cells*) [* citation needed].
The game itself is the exquisite blend of exploration, puzzling and combat its always been. Metroid’s particular variety of first person platforming still feels distinctive, with Samus feeling chunky but fluid – like a nice soup – and tracking back and blasting through old areas makes you feel suitably badass. Boss fights are tense, holding-your-breath affairs; something that might seem odd given that you don’t really have to aim; but the skill is all in your control over the suit. The improved controls in this version may make it a bit easier, but they also make it a whole lot better. There feels like a direct line between this and the recent DOOM games now and it’s not just the big metal shoulder pads.
Of course, you don’t get too many genres named after specific games but ‘Metroidvania’ is one of them and this is a great expression of the form. The key is in the ‘I wonder what that’s for?’ and the counter ‘Oh, that’s what that’s for!’. This thing is totally heaving with them. I’m still a bit protective of spoilers despite the fact this game is old enough to be a MP (MP! Like the name of the game!), but there’s a half-pipe structure about an hour in that sums it all up. Why is it there? Surely it’s been designed? That can’t be an accident, can it? The answer might not be revealed to you for hours, but when it does…phew wee that’s some sweet gamin’. Collecting a new item can unlock several areas in the game and several areas your the brain simultaneously; it’s incredibly satisfying stuff.
It’s cool as fuck too. You can famously see Samus’ face reflected back at you when the light hits the visor in a certain way, but my favourite is the transition from the morph ball and back out again. That straight-up has to be one of the top ten best bits of videogame animation, ever right? And yes, I do see the irony in judging something as ‘cool as fuck’ whilst also having a top ten bits of videogame animation. Maybe I’m not the best judge of this kind of stuff now that I’m 41 like taking naps, but the music is fucking banging. It just has this air of icy, industrial futurism that miraculously doesn’t get grating when you’re listening to it on repeat for hours on end.
But perhaps my age is more relevant than I’d like to think. Metroid Prime has a wonderful sense of pace; some gentle puzzling, exploration, bit of fighting. Dare I say it, it all feels a little middle-aged? But I’m also a lot more patient now than I was twenty years ago. I’ve grown with the game and it’s grown in my estimation. It’s a challenging yet cozy, lovely old time.
Now let’s get our finger out and make a new one, shall we?
7. Hi-Fi Rush (Xbox Series)
One of the unexpected benefits of the 00s rhythm action boom, is the encyclopedic knowledge I’ve gained from music of the period. Remember The Fray? Of course you don’t. Yet I could comfortably sing you the entirety of ‘How to Save a Life’ should the need arise. Where my Modest Mouse fans at? I got you buddy. Big Bedingfield stan? Come, let us discuss the relative merits of both Dan and Tash. My Liked Songs on Spotify is littered with nostalgia triggering, game featured tracks that I’m not sure I’d ever choose to listen to ‘normally’, but have become part of the fabric of my adult life. This year, I added a new one; Nine Inch Nails ‘Perfect Drug’ a song so on the nose about its lust/narcotic metaphor that it left white powdery stuff around the nostrils.
Old Terence Trent Reznor’s particular brand of electronic metal (which weirdly reminds me of someone playing the drums with a ladle on the back of a saucepan) soundtracks an total barnstormer of a boss battle in Hi-Fi Rush; a rhythm character action brawler created by one of my all time favourite video game masters, Shinji Mikami. There’s a direct lineage between beat matching and beat ’em up, with both genres heavily reliant on your timing but here it’s laid out plain for all to see. This is Devil May Dance. It’s Boogienetta. With the added benefit of a deliciously infectious good-time vibe.
After The Black Keys have ‘woah-oh-ohed’ their way through Lonely Boy in the intro, the hero Chai finds himself with a definitely not-iPod embedded in his chest. This transforms the already vibrant, Saturday morning cartoon world into one that bounces. Buildings throb in time to the drumbeat as enemy and ally alike synch to the soundtrack. Mikami raids directly from his own back catalogue, lifting the foot-tapping and finger-clicking idle animation from the GameCube’s ‘PN.03’, but here it serves a purpose. The best attacks and combos rely on you hitting in time to the music with the visuals providing a constant tutorial alongside the tracks themselves.
And a handful of those tracks are truly, truly brilliant. When The Prodigy’s ‘Invaders Must Die’ kicks in during an epic canteen brawl, it’s the best needledrop since Renton went cold turkey in Trainspotting. A house version of Mozart’s fifth symphony – brilliantly in a wink-to-camera, visual joke battle with a giant robotic Wolf – absolutely bangs. But it’s the aforementioned ‘Perfect Drug’ that really does the business. Rarely has a song slapped harder whilst you’re slapping hard. It’s just a shame some of the original tracks can’t quite match up to the quality of the licenced ones. In an alternative universe Hi-Fi Rush was released fifteen years ago and is full of back-to-back bangers, but with a presumably lower budget and expected audience we have to just enjoy what we get. Although selfishly for me, the choice of artists coupled with the nineties cartoon atheistic suggests the devs had the millennial Dad in mind.
In a year that’s seen Fortnite basically recreate Rock Band wholesale in-game, it’s an total delight to see someone able to think of an original way to push buttons in time to music. But beyond the basic Jolly-nip of rhythm action, it’s the joyfulness that really sticks in the memory here. It’s in the MTV style captions to each track. It’s in the Lichtenstein-style visuals. It’s in the Bill and Ted references. It’s in the boss with ‘weakpoint’ written across his forehead. Hi-Fi Rush is perhaps most famous for the shadow drop nature of its release with it being announced and then made available on Game Pass within the same trailer. But there’s so much more to this game than fancy marketing. It’s just an incredibly nice game to be around. More of this kind of thing, please.
6. Spider-Man 2 (PlayStation 5)
New Yoik. The biiiiig city. [Trumpet plays, a shot of the skyline]. Yeah, she’s a tough mistress. She’ll chew you up and spit you out without a care in her head. [Staccato drums, a man in a suit and a workman gesture furiously to each other]. The dirt and the grime. The straight-talking [a prostitute fixed her high heels in a shop doorway]. But you know what? I wouldn’t change her for the world! [Brass reaches crescendo. Drums get jazzy]. From the boardwalk all the way up to 15th and 8th. [A group of kids breakdance in the shadow of some nice graffiti]. Grab a slice [shot of a food seller]. Catch a show [shot of a woman walking down Broadway and looking up. ]. Go to the ball game [shot of a home run being hit, the *twack* is audible]. Yeah she’s a beaut alright [the man in a suit and workman from before are together laughing now]. If I could have one minor criticism, it’s that the place is absolutely fucking heaving in radioactive spiders [Music stops suddenly. Shot of millions of spiders swarming through the streets].
Yep, it seems like The Big Apple has something of a monopoly on swingers with this sequel putting you in control of not one, but two Spider-Men. I’m seeing double here. Four Krustys. But unlike the pointing meme (that this game brilliantly references if you stumble across the other hero in game), there’s plenty to differentiate between Peter and Miles; with the story criss-crossing between the two and different move sets in the combat. And holy moly, what combat. I’d go as far as to say the punching is the biggest leap up from the previous games. You’ll zip across the combat bowls unleashing all manner of bullshit on the baddies in a manner which definitely can’t be non-lethal, but apparently is.
And this is just one small example of the extremely high level of polish we have here. We’re talking fucking Mr Sheen levels. New York looks completely stonking with the buildings stretching to the horizon and the script for both characters being recorded twice – once when they’re slightly out of breath – so it can immediately switch between the two depending on whether you’re stationary or not. The haptic rumble in the pad is easily one of the best uses since launch; with my particular favourite being the bong of an enemy hitting their head on a metal beam. Some of the set pieces are out-of-this-world; the opening battle against a fifty-foot Sandman and a chase with a teleporting Black Cat being highlights. But one of the most impressively next-gen features is the game’s fast travel, which allows you to pick anywhere on the (huge) map and immediately zoom in with imperceptible loading. Being awed by the lack of loading in a videogame about a superhero might be the most tremendously uncool thing I’ve ever uttered, but I have no shame. It needs to be championed. It’s genuinely, jaw-droppingly impressive.
However, what really caught me off guard was just how brilliant the story is. I’m not a comic guy (as my attempts to be funny in this very blog will attest, ho ho), but every time I’ve encountered Venom before I’ve always found him a big naff. An alien that turns you into an emo bellend? No thanks, we’ve got Jared Leto for that. But here, with the symbitwat not actually appearing for over ten hours, his corruption is afforded the opportunity to breathe. His presence is insidious; running menacingly throughout, meaning that when he does finally show up it’s a big event that feels earned. It’s better paced than Mo Farah. But this level of attention also applies to the many, many brilliant side missions. There’s a couple that get the most championing because they’re sad and everyone knows that’s how you legitimise media; but my personal favourite was the one that put you in control of Miles’ deaf love interest for ten minutes. It’s just a fantastically disarming yet brief exploration of what it’s like to live in a world with little sound. So good. So, so good.
The developer Insomniac has recently been the victim of a rather substantial hack so we now know for the next ten years it’s superheroes all the way down. But on this evidence, that’s no bad thing. I’ve fallen out of like with the MCU since it required I dedicate 95% of my life to it, but this is easily the best bit of costume fun I’ve had since my wife treated me for my birthday. It’s fair to say this generation has taken a while to get going, but this like a line in the sand, man. This is the type of game you show off to your mates to get them to buy a PlayStation. The traversal is great. The fighting is great. The story is great. It looks great. Sounds great. Feels great. And with great game comes great response-ability…Yes, it controls great too (see what I did there).
We asked for more pictures of that god damn Spider-Man and we got them. Keep ’em coming, Parker.
5. Dead Space (Xbox Series)
Dead Space opens with you approaching the USG Ishimura; a fuck off huge space ship with some problems. You can tell there’s something wrong, because the big neon sign outside displaying the name of the ship has a couple of flickering characters. You get less red flags at Beijing’s annual Austro-Swiss convention when it’s held on Canada Day. Protagonist Issac Clarke just about manages the restraint to avoid saying ‘I’ve got a bad feeling about this’ but you can tell he’s thinking it. The place is a total shithole. The crew have used their last dying breath to scrawl scary stuff all over the walls (I love the image of a guy desperately patting himself down looking for the jumbo Sharpie he had in his hand just a minute ago, so he can write ‘LEAVE THIS PLACE’ before his intestines spill onto the floor) and someone needs to have a run round with a hoover. Perhaps worst of all, the place is heaving with necromorphs. Absolutely riddled with them. And they’re pretty riled up about something, I can tell you!
The big, slathering fleshy fuckers represent just one of the many ingenious flairs of design that impressed on Dead Space’s original release and still feel fresh in this remake. Unlike practically every other videogame ever made, the enemies weak spots are in their limbs rather than their heads, so you have to gradually amputate them until you’re left with a screaming bag of meat dragging it’s way towards you. Good clean family fun and a mechanic that means you constantly have to readjust where you’re aiming. Another goodie is that all the in game menus are diegetic (visible by the characters as well as the viewer. See; three years studying film not completely wasted) which not only keeps everything clean and uncluttered but also causes brilliant moments of panic as you work your way through a menu whilst something tries to kill you. Lastly – and I can not believe this hasn’t been stolen more often – the player has a ‘where do I go’ button which immediately highlights the route to the next objective. It’s an incredibly simple solution to a frustratingly frequent problem, that also indicates the way you shouldn’t go making it simpler to root out secrets. I’ve been pretty uncharitable about how intentional these bits of smart game development may have been in the past – perhaps blindsided that the game is from fucking EA of all people – but they are truly exceptional ideas and elevate the game beyond what may have been a by-the-book survival horror.
But even if that had been the case, the setting and atmosphere would have stood it apart. Dead Space takes the bleakness and isolation of the infinite void, the grime and the grit of dystopian sci-fi and the fear and revulsion of pure horror and turns it into something totally unique. Yep, there’s a bit of Alien and The Thing but then there’s also a bit of Rosemary’s Baby and The Shining. The sound design is God tier. Every clunk of the ship sounds like it’s out to get you, and the bits in a vacuum – all muffled thuds, with Issac’s breathing getting increasingly panicked – are surely what headphones were invented for. Then the lighting…fuck me, the lighting. I think this remake may have the most impressive illuminations since Rylan went to the dentist. Beams battle their way through smoke, bouncing perfectly off the industrial interiors and each gun has a mounted torch meaning that it shows off this tech every opportunity it gets. And rightfully so. It’s genuinely best in class.
I do have one teeny tiny criticism and that’s that they’ve decided to have Issac talk in this one. Having a mute protagonist sounds inconsequential (or doesn’t sound at all, it’s mute lol) but I do think it added to the mystery and isolation of the original. It’s not like he says anything particularly interesting; mostly variations of ‘I’ve got to make it to the medical quarters!’; so they add nothing whilst taking a bit of the vibe away. Of course the remake takes advantage of non-existent loading times; so the benefits far outweigh a little bit of boring chatter; but I’d be lying if I didn’t say it urks me. It makes my beloved Dead Space feel ever-so-slightly less special and more like the other space shooters out there. It feels like a decision made by a guy smoking a cigar and swirling round on a leather office chair and we need less of those thank you.
Still, it’s absolutely fucking brilliant/awful to be back on the ISH_M_RA using incredibly violent handheld mining equipment to dismember bastards. I’ve always considered it to be The Best Resi That Isn’t Resi, and that noble record stands firm. Is it a bit uninspiring to have another remake in my top ten? Possibly. Is it still one of the most brilliantly designed ways to shoot shit? You better believe it, baby.
4. Super Mario Bros. Wonder (Nintendo Switch)
I get disproportionately irritated by…well, I get disproportionately irritated by loads of things. Empty toilet roll middles left on the cistern. Performative grief. The word ‘cockwomble’. But the thing I get disproportionately irritated by that’s relevant in this case is stupid naming conventions. For example, I can’t bear it when two things have the same name, like ‘Robocop’ (1987 and 2014) or ‘DOOM’ (1993 and 2016). Just call it something else FFS. George Foreman has five sons and they’re all called George. Do you know why I know that? Because it’s fucking stupid, that’s why. But of all the stupid naming conventions ‘New Super Mario Bros’ has always been one of the most egregious of the bunch. ‘Have you played the New Super Mario Bros?’. ‘What, the new one?’. ‘No, the one released 16 years ago’. Who could have possibly foreseen this situation, where the linearity of time would render the prefix ‘new’ nonsensical?
The new Super Mario Bros game, Super Mario Bros. Wonder does away with this bullshit. Then it does away with that bullshit. Then it does away with the bullshit over there. In fact, it systematically seeks and destroys anything remotely bullshit that has crept into 2D Mario over the past 3 decades and finishes as the best one since Super Mario World. Yeah, you heard me. THIS IS THE BEST ONE SINCE SUPER MARIO WORLD. It’s tight, inventive, funny, imaginative, beautiful, compulsive and relentless, drawing a big old line in the sand and proudly declaring that this is what platforming is now. Come at me, Bros.
To boil it down simply, at around the 70% mark each level in Wonder completely loses its shit. There’s an oft repeated story that Nintendo formulate ideas with a wall covered in post-it notes. I’d absolutely love to see the post-its that didn’t make the cut from the Wonderwall. The degree of imagination on display here is truly astonishing; at any point you may think to yourself ‘oh, I know what’s going to happen here’ but I guarantee you would be completely wrong. The game doesn’t so much as pivot into a different direction, but pivot into dimension barely comprehensible by humans. Levels can have the air of kitchen sink chaos that you get in a Mario Maker level, except actually good because it’s made by people that know what they’re doing. So much of the joy of this game is in the discovery of these acid trips, so to spoil them would be to ruin its brilliance, but it regularly made me laugh-out-loud (or at least, snort-out-quietly, I’m a 40+ man, nothing is actually funny anymore), most often at the sheer audacity of what they went for.
Oddly, it is this capacity to blindside that causes the game’s biggest problem; you can only be surprised by each level once. That first run through is truly spectacular, with each subsequent play being merely excellent. You’ve still got the exquisite controls and well-pitched challenge, but you know the punchline to all the jokes. If this sounds a little down, it really shouldn’t. Those first eight hours are so magical that the cart could explode in your hands immediately afterwards causing severe burns to yourself and anyone in the vicinity and I’d still recommend getting it for your family Christmas.
That Wonder ends with what must rank as one of the most difficult Super Mario levels ever is its final and perhaps grandest WTF, but there so much capacity to wow in this it really does feel like Nintendo operating on some kind of internal cheat code. After four decades of 2D platforming how do they still manage to make everything else look ordinary? I’ve not even mentioned that you can turn into an elephant or that the whole thing is narrated by flowers with a ‘I’ll have what she’s having!’ comedic energy. If you’ve ever wondered that 2D Mario was in a cul-de-sac then wonder no more; Wonder is here baby. Let’s-a-motherfucking-go.
3. The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom (Nintendo Switch)
Ninth. That’s where I placed Breath of the Wild in 2017; a game that’s so regularly considered to be the Greatest Of All Time that it may as well be a goat sanctuary run by a goateed Jean Paul Gaultier. Magnolia man Michael Owen famously once said that he ‘doesn’t like films’ and it’s this horrendous take that springs to mind whenever I have to explain why the ‘best’ game in one of my favourite series just doesn’t do it for me. It seems so huffilly contrarian. I don’t like Star Wars or Queen either, but there’s nothing worse that someone convinced of how incredibly fascinating they are because of the popular shit they don’t like. It gives me FOMO. Why can’t I click with it? Why can’t everyone else see that the climbing is FUCKING BULLSHIT?!
‘… SHIT?!…SHit?!..shit?!..’ I imagine my pained cries echoed over to Nintendo’s Kyoto HQ, because they’ve only gone and fixed it. Tears completely resolves every problem I had with Breath. They’ve put the dungeons back in for a fucking start. Yes yes, the prior game had the Divine Beasts but we’ve got the Wind Temple in here mate; you don’t muck about with that shit in a Zelda game. The Guardians have pissed off, so I can explore without being blasted with lasers every five minutes. I wasn’t a huge fan of the weapons breaking all the time, but here with the Fuse ability you can just make another one from any old shit that is lying around . By allowing you to combine two objects to make a weapon the limit is your imagination. Behold, my inventory resplendent with a stick-with-rock-on-the-end and broom-with-beehive-on-the-end. Then the climbing – my main problem that I found immensely frustrating; all wrestling with a stamina bar and falling inches from your destination – is remedied not once but twice. The Ascend ability where Link teleports through matter above him quite frankly feels like a glitch and it’s a miracle it never seems to break anything (the same can’t quite be said for the Recall ability which makes any item travel backwards in time and causes many of the shrine puzzles to malfunction in the process. But it looks cool, so it gets a pass). But then you’ve got Ultrahand, the big marquee ability. Stitch together anything to make a bridge, or a car, or a mech or… yes, you can make a giant cock and balls, well done. It’s nearly always quicker to just walk and climb where you want to go rather than spend ten minutes making a bullshit-Flintstones helicopter, but it’s never, ever as much fun.
I think the genius of this design decision is best summed up with the steering column; an item that is inexplicably littered across Hyrule but allows you to control anything you plonk it on. This just resolves a million potential problems in one hit. Now; that’s not to say that the building can’t be a little clunky. Welding stuff together works nearly every time – which unfortunately makes the occasions it doesn’t function all the more annoying – but the potential is captivating. There’s a largely pointless side hustle Link can partake in with a guy that’s holding up a sign scattered across the map. He lets go, the sign falls down; you’ve got to build something to make it stand up. It’s completely fucking brilliant; a hit mobile game in its own right. Consistently funny as plans go awry and constantly surprising, I’ve spent literally hours this year building scaffolding and loved every moment.
So that’s the micro, what about the macro? Dude…the macro in this is MACRO. It’s Mac Daddy Macro. The Greatest Macro-man. Hyrule returns remixed from Breath of the Wild but extends in two directions; up and down. I’m always super impressed when people say ‘called it’ and highlight that one of the millions of things they say online turn out to be right, but I did always suspect the pre-release fixation on the sky islands was distracting from what we’d find below and turns out I was on to something. Tears of the Kingdom is impossibly huge. It’s my most played game of the year and I suspect I’ve seen less that 70% of what it has to offer. I’ve shown incredible restraint not to invoke Elden Ring yet (bleats), and although the unfolding of the map isn’t quite as smart as in last year’s winner the energy is similar. Point yourself in any direction and you’ll find something mind-blowing. Eighty hours in I stumbled across something that had me WTFing for the next five. It’s exhausting and relentless and overwhelming, but also completely bloody brilliant.
I’m so relieved to be back on board. The open world is where Zelda’s future lies, we ain’t going back to the old ones so the fear that the series would leave me behind was a real one. But this is a true banger. Every mechanic is explored in its entirety. Every reveal is perfectly pitched. From the epic skydive in the open hour to the final momentous battle against a proper Ganon (another silly issue I had with BotW is that Ganon was essentially a gas), this is pure quality. Tears came out two days before my birthday and I spent an absolutely glorious Saturday just wallowing its majesty. The same weekend I heard Romy’s ‘Enjoy Your Life’ for the first time; a song that would become one of my most played of the year and is forever entwined with that weekend; the refrain echoing through my head as I did as I was told. Yes, the Zelda voice acting is bizarre (the obviously not-English English delivery of ‘… shines across the laaaaaAAAAnd!’ is so hilariously shit I have to listen to it every time). And yes, the giant fairies have a weird ‘step-mum wants to teach you a lesson’ vibe. And yes it’s occasionally chaotic and messy and dare I say it, rough . But it’s also very nearly perfect.
Third best game of the year. What the hell, man.
2. Resident Evil 4 (PlayStation 5)
Upon announcement that Capcom were planning to remake one of the greatest games of all time, my reaction – like many – was ‘aaaaAaaAh…I’ll buy it at a high price!’. The original’s merchant is one of the strangest, out-of-place, quotable and downright lovable NPCs in the whole of videogames. A teleporting cockney with an unorthodox route to market, his presence doesn’t make the blindest bit of sense. And he’s all the more brilliant for it. He’s a knowing nudge. A bit of stupid. A very videogamey man. And a sign of the turn-of-the-century attitudes in a medium that was still trying to grow up. Twenty years later and things have definitely moved on; we’ve got games about how sad it is to kill mushroom zombies now and that’s well mature. Is there any room for the merchant and his type? Can you still be silly in a reality where the President recommends you drink bleach? The remake of Resident Evil 4 attempts to answer this. And it turns out the answer is ‘probably not’ – but it matters far less than you might fear.
This remake of Resident Evil 4 (that they’ve helpfully named ‘Resident Evil 4’, presumably to maximise potential for confusion with the other Resident Evil 4), files away a fair old amount of the wackiness. Don’t worry, all the major beats are still here – they haven’t dropped the ‘Miiiiiiiiike!’ – but Salazar the lord of the castle and rotting Napoleon (who in this version looks a bit like Margret Thatcher) no longer has a giant mechanical version of himself tearing down the hallways. He’s still got it of course – he’s not totally lost his mind – but this time it’s static and hemmed in by scaffolding. And it’s the redo of fondly half-remembered set pieces that make the remake so enticing. You spend the generous but well-judged runtime rediscovering all the ‘I love this bit’ bits with a few extra bits thrown on the pile.
One of my absolute favourite sections of all time is the farmhouse siege toward the end of the village. Fuck me, they’ve only managed to make it better. Perfectly managing to capture the panic of barricading yourself in a flimsy shack that all the three pigs would be reluctant to sign off, its backs-to-the-wall, balls-on-the-line intensity has been whacked up to full volume. Boarding up windows and chucking ammo between the characters whilst undead, insecty motherfuckers come outta the God damn walls, it’s simply brilliant; a set piece I could easily play over-and-over again. Which is presumably why they’ve also brought back the truly excellent Mercenaries mode – a strong contender for best extra ever – its against the clock, score chasing fuck’em uppery has been given a twenties revamp and I believe there’s a strong chance I spent as much time rinsing it as I did the main campaign.
But that campaign, man. That campaign! The beauty of Resident Evil 4 has always been its consistency; you barely have time to catch your breath from the last awesome thing that happened before you’re in the middle of another one. The mine cart section. The lake monster. The blind guys. The Krauser knife fight. The regenerators. Like the ganados themselves the game just relentlessly claws at you; constantly throwing new and exciting shit your way never stopping until you finish it off. That the remake manages to recreate the same special sauce whilst being so fundamentally different in places is nothing short of a miracle. I’ll put my hand up and say I was less than convinced about the decision to allow you to move and aim, unlike the original where you’re routed to the spot when you want to attack. That’s where the drama comes from, isn’t it? Your vulnerability? Turns out no. Moving forward slowly whilst shooting feels completely badass (a phrase that can’t be leveled at Leon’s behind; man, that dude is thicc), and the combat is just as good as it’s always been.
Is it better? Ooof, I dunno. Picking between the 2005 and 2023 games is impossibly difficult. It’s Leon’s choice. And that’s the beauty here. This doesn’t replace the original, it complements it. It doesn’t have remake in the title because that’s not what it’s doing. It’s a reimagining, a rewrite, a remix. Taking the flavour and big beats to make something new. Has it lost something along the way? Alright, yes it has. A teeny tiny bit of the stupidity. But this is still a game in which the main character says ‘Nighty night, Knights’ after nonchalantly roundhouse kicking an animated suit of armour. It’s still a game where you can suplex a monk. It’s still a game where you take time out in end-of-the-pier style shooting galleries so you can collect gacha toys of the things that are trying to kill you. It’s still the game we’ve always loved and a totally new one at the same time. To quote one of the merchant’s new lines, ‘gun rhymes with fun for a reason, Stranger’. This is how you do a bloody remake. Hollywood, I hope you’re taking notes.
1. Street Fighter 6 (PlayStation 5)
Mid-way through a long car journey; just at that point the kids start to look like they’re going to spew everywhere; my wife asked me about my Game of the Year list. I had the order more-or-less locked down at this point so was able to give her the rundown, without all the waffley, self-deprecating bollocks that you lot have to put up with. She mentioned the number of remakes, but had included Street Fighter in that number. ‘It’s not a remake’, I retorted. ‘Really? How different can it be?’, her reply. ‘Well, er…there’s a Drive… Impact move…I think it’s called that…’, ‘You’re not convincing me Jase. You’ve lost my respect. I’m leaving you.’ Truth is, I wasn’t really convincing myself. Despite spending significant time with beat ’em ups and Street Fighter in particular, I’ve never felt like I’ve breached the barrier that means I can sound like I know what I’m talking about. I’m the same with football; fine about talking about results and memories and feelings but lacking the vocabulary or nous to get into the nitty gritty. Despite being my favourite game of the year and something I expect to be a fixture in my rotation for years to come, this hasn’t changed with Street Fighter 6. The reason I love it – and I really do fucking love it – is emotional, not technical. I have a connection to this thing, an instinctual response. It’s quite simply one of the most primal and engaging games I’ve ever played.
One of the Big New Features here is the opportunity simplify the controls; bold stuff given Street Fighter has always seemed built on the idea that you need to remember long complex sequences, like a the conveyor belt in the Generation Game packed with bare men’s nipples. The really big balls move (I think you can do a ‘Big Balls’ move with Zangief if you dash and light kick) is that the control schemes fight head-to-head on an even keel. The temptation to split them must have been strong and would have saved the massive headache of trying to balance the thing, but they took the difficult route and only went and bloody smashed it. Modern controls may be simpler, but they limit your options. They also – and this is where I’m going to get a bit more abstract in my language – remove the flow. I’ve been a proper snob and only really used Modern when messing about against the kids, despite the fact I’d almost certainly benefit competitively from giving it a go. But Classic just feels right. The quarter circle forward of a hadoken feels like you’re digging the energy out of the ground. It’s not the same when you just push right.
Another big bit on the box is the World Tour mode; a ‘proper’ single player where you create an avatar (which will almost definitely look wrong; like a sex doll that can remember) and take them across the globe to meet the Street Fighter crew. I kinda thought this was a lovable distraction, but also pretty shit. Once you’ve got over the goofiness of sending Ryu a text message or the pub called ‘Steam Tea’ in the London stage, all you’ve got left is a rather shallow Yakuza/Streets of Rage hybrid that you can win by just hammering the punch button. A distraction then, but not an unwelcome one and something that Capcom can build on in the future.
What it does have, much like the rest of the game, is absolute fuckbuckets of charm. The mood is somewhere between Fast and the Furious and Dick and Dom in Da Bungalow. This is rarely summed up better than in the truly magnificrap hip-hop tune on the character select screen featuring the lyrics ‘I’VE BEEN A FAILURE, I’VE BEEN A SUCCESS, AND LIKE A DIAMOND I SHINE UNDER PRESSURE’. I will admit to sitting idle on that screen just so I could listen to its endearing stupidity. It is absolutely not something you should be proud of enjoying. It is also absolutely impossible not to love. The same can be said for the commentary mode – almost certainly turned off by 99% of the audience within the first ten minutes – that attempts to give a running narration of the fights with lines like ‘These two have more beef than a Philly cheese steak!’. Everything is done with such a level of commitment and enthusiasm that it just always just about manages to win you over even when its objectively awful.
But if the game is dumb outside the fights, it’s a total galaxy brain within them. Put simply, nothing came close to the drama, the satisfaction, the spirit, the soul of my hard worn scraps through the online ranked mode. Each victory felt like a contest. Each loss felt like a lesson. You get to a point where you’re not controlling a character, you’re controlling yourself. You’re in these battles, in these head-to-heads, and a well-balanced match up against a similar skilled foe makes you feel like you’re in a professional sport. It’s just plain incredible in play, a true competitor’s videogame. It’s really, really good.
I can’t finish this year’s post without giving a shout out to my bae, Marissa. A seven foot personification of good vibes, the best advice I read before playing this game is just to pick a character you like and stick with them. Well, I love Marissa and it just feels wrong to play as anyone else. The animation in this thing is obscene across the board (shout-out in particular to the serpent-like A.K.I) but the little twiddle of the wrist that Marissa does when resetting their stance is one of my favourite, tiny, inconsequential parts of any game ever. It doesn’t add anything, it doesn’t do anything, it’s just cool. Marissa’s also got a ludicrously meaty punch that feels like hitting a home run every time it lands. And they’ve got a real twat of a move where they counter an attack with a rather gruesome looking throw. Marissa is carefree, strong, confident and a joy to be around. We have absolutely nothing in common. And I fucking love them for it.
I saw a video a year or so ago that broke a fighting game combo trial into a Guitar Hero style note chart. Regular readers will know I’m rather partial to a bit of rhythm action so this piqued my interest. What had always seemed like a impenetrable genre was just note matching to different prompts. It’s dishing out beats rather than matching them. It’s an improvisational music game. It’s not Rock Band, it’s Jazz Band. That I got to make this discovery in time to play Street Fighter 6 is truly serendipitous. This is nothing short of a masterpiece; a lovable, unfathomably deep and highly competitive brilliant time. This game is more in my heart than it is in my head, and for someone as emotionally stunted as myself that’s quite the thing. It’s a hi-five, a fist bump, a meaty hug with a several slaps on the shoulder. It’s a best friend of a game. It’s something I always want to be around. In a truly spectacular year of releases it’s my favourite game of the bunch. An endorsement can’t come any stronger than that.
JollyNiceSoup 
As usual, the JollyNiceSoup yearly round up does not disappoint, both in analysis and humour. Excellent read, and for once I’ve played some of them! (Metroid Prime, Resident Evil 4, and Street Fighter 6 – no surprises there XD)
Also as usual, I’ll be trying to check out the others THIS year. Or, you know, adding them to wishlists and buying them in sales…
Happy New Year!
And to you mate, thanks very much for reading!
I’m feeling increasingly disconnected from “mainstream modern gaming” or whatever it is the kids do now. Very few big games ever get the benefits of my eyes and thumbs these days. I’ve only played (and very much enjoyed) Mario Wonderpants and The Legend of Zelda: Link Rides A Dragon from your list this year, although Spiderhyphenman 2 is on my want list, but only when it comes down to a price I’m prepared to pay for it. £70 is too much for any game, no matter how good (looks at £270 for Shenmue 3). Ahem. I’m not even sure if many games I played this year (and I played a *lot* – completing over 80 of them) came out this year. And most of them nobody has even heard of.
Regarding Twitter, it’s a shame. It was, aside from the very early days pre-2010, always a rubbish place but I do miss a lot of the people I used to follow on there – like you – and there’s no single life-raft everyone I’d like to reconnect with took. Bluesky and Threads aren’t for me, and Mastodon has some but not many of my old friends. Bloody Elon, eh?
Anyway, an excellent post and as always you’re wasted not doing this for money somewhere. Happy new year!
Good to hear from you man! And thanks for your kind words.
Take care of yourself. Jx