Synopshits

Some time ago, a unpronounceable forum that I frequent started a thread in which you had to add or remove a letter from the title of a videogame and then write a synopsis.  I became mildly obsessed with this and have collated my efforts below.

For those of you that are popular and happy enough to not know the names of every videogame released since 1980, I have also put a list of the original titles at the very bottom in case some of the titles are a little obscure.

Yes, we all thought of ‘Ass Effect’, very clever, well done you.

And yes, I’m well aware that I’ve added two letters to the word ‘synopsis’ in the title of this post so it doesn’t work, fuck you very much.

If any of you would like to fund the development of these games please contact my agent.

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Platoon: Nintendo try their hand at adapting Oliver Stone’s Vietnam war epic for the preteen market.

Heavy Ran: Daley Thompson’s Decathlon re-imagined with all the competitors wearing orthopaedic shoes.

Isgaea: Players are presented with two items and have to decide which is the more homosexual.

Donkey Kong Cuntry: Take control of the iconic ape as he does loads of really annoying and unnecessary things.

Yoshi’s Wooly Word: Play as the lovable green dinosaur as he tries to present a late night, magazine show alongside Terry Christian. Can you ensure that Iggy Pop isn’t too fucked to put on his see through trousers?

SS Tricky: Think committing crimes against humanity is easy? Think again as you experience the trials and tribulations of ethnic cleansing.

‘Eadspace: It’s 5 o’clock in the morning one Sunday in 1995. You’ve done more pills than you can count and a guy has been sat next to you talking about how we’re all connected. Can you successfully negotiate your escape and tackle your come down alone?

Elite Beat Gents: At long last, Chap-Hop the game. Take control of Elemental and Mr B as they bring a touch of class and sophistication to the world of rap.

Space Chanel 5: The fragrance counter at Boots has an item missing. Can you figure out what it is before the mystery shopper spots it and marks your store down?

Wii Ports: An almost impossible challenge. Can you successfully launch a 3rd party game on a Nintendo console?

Super Exagon: She’s finally left you. Try and convince yourself that you’ll be fine and that this is a good thing.

BA 2K15: Soaring tuition fees and a competitive job market have made Bachelor of Arts degrees a risky prospect. Are you brave enough to see through your Media Studies course in the age of austerity?

RE: Your students see religious education as a doss subject. Can you reignite their interest by telling the story of Moses through techno music and laser beams?

Candy Crush Aga: If there’s one thing that the star of Uncle Buck hates, it’s inefficient ovens. Join him as he rampages across the country destroying every vintage stove he can find.

Ego Star Wars: That George Lucas is a prick isn’t he? Try and spend an afternoon with him without smashing his face in.

Burning Angers: God damn it you’re cross. Try and calm yourself down with a nice cup of tea and some colouring in.

Erbal Space Program: You’ve had a smoke and Professor Brian Cox is on the telly. Can you make it to the end without developing a crushing sense of worthlessness when faced with the wonders of the universe?

Halo 3: OST: The year is 2007 AD. You are The Composer. Your mission is to record the soundtrack to one of the biggest games of the year. But there is a grumble in the strings section that the cellist isn’t keeping time…

De Jam: Vendetta: Video game adaptation of Michael Douglas’ ‘Falling Down’, relocated to Kingston, Jamaica for some reason.

Balloon Ki: Visual novel charting the life of South Korean midfielder Ki Sung-Yueng. From a young age, Ki was fascinated with spheres until a tragic accident sent him into the depths of madness.

Ales from the Borderlands: Join CAMRA as they attempt to jazz up their image by going on a terrifying, white-knuckle bus tour of Pandora.

​Guitar Hero Lie: Relive the experience of performing on Top of the Pops in the seventies by unconvincingly miming along to your favourite chart hits.

Overs in a Dangerous Spacetime: Cricket simulation in which players and the ball sporadically flicker between parallel dimensions. This actually manages to make the sport easier to understand.

Unrave: Oh no!  Mum and Dad went away for the weekend so you had a few mates round and it got out of hand!  Can you unrave the house before they return?  Video game adaptation of that nineties Yellow Pages advert.

Mineweeper: You ARE Lady Diana Spencer. Travel through treacherous lands expressing sorrow at the resident’s plight while maintaining that stiff upper lip until you can claim your throne as Queen of Hearts.

Affordable Spacey Adventures: Step into the wonky shoes of everyone’s favourite sex pest Kevin Spacey as he attempts to entertain himself the weekend before pay day.  Feed the ducks as Frank Underwood, watch the Come Dine With Me omnibus as Lex Luthor or simply spend a lazy afternoon as American Beauty’s Lester Burnham defrosting the freezer.

DRIVELCLUB: You’ve enrolled yourself into a poetry class at the local community college and it’s pretty fucking awful.  Grit your teeth through over two hours of barely coherent ramblings about how nice sunrises are.

Paupers, Please: Bullingdon Club; The Game.  Experience the giddy highs of setting fire to fifty pound notes in front of the homeless before progressing right the way up to fucking over the poor of an entire nation.

Yoshit’s Universal Gravitation: Man, yo shit is HAWT!  But why?!  Buckle yourself in for the thrill-a-minute, rollercoaster ride as you try to figure out the secret to its success.

Blurb: Your GCSE coursework on Jane Eyre is due in tomorrow morning but you’ve neglected to read any of the actual book.  Fortunately, some chump has written a summary of the major plot points on the back cover!  It’s a balls-to-the-wall, race against time to stretch this out to over two thousand words!

Super Meat Boyo: What child hasn’t idly dreamed of becoming Cardiff’s premier butcher?  Maintaining cleanliness standards, providing a small talk service to the elderly, hacking a pig to pieces and enlightening confused tourists popping in for a ‘welsh rabbit’ – it’s all here!

Vansquish: Faaaaackin’ ‘ell!  It’s gone three and you’re on your way back from a job for a quick fiddle in front of Babestation before ‘er indoors gets back, but it’s only faaaackin’ school kickin’ out time!  How many of the little shits can you run over without your copy of the Daily Star flying off the dashboard or spilling your freshly opened can of Foster’s?

This War of Mince: Tragic retelling of the infamous tale of a family feud over the best meat to put in a spaghetti bolognese that got wildly out of hand.

Da’s Gone: Scottish divorce simulator in which you control a ‘wean’. Will your ‘ma’ successfully turn you against him?

ARS: Butt up against your opponent in Nintendo’s playful take on the beat ’em up. Over fifty wild and wacky cheeks to choose from!

Keep Talking and Nobody Sexplodes: As a sex line worker your job is to keep the customers on the phone for as long as possible before they finish. Can you manage to keep the drunken teenagers that make up your clientele just the right level of aroused?

Norman’s Sky: Zoe used to deal with all the bills and that and it seems that during the divorce proceedings the Cook household has ended up paying for two broadband connections! Step into the shoes of Fatboy Slim as he attempts to take on the Murdoch empire in his quest to cancel the subscription and get his fifty quid back.

 

Answers: Splatoon, Heavy Rain, Disgaea, Donkey Kong Country, Yoshi’s Wooly World, SSX Tricky, Deadspace, Elite Beat Agents, Space Channel 5, Wii Sports, Super Hexagon, NBA 2K15, REZ, Candy Crush Saga, Lego Star Wars, Burning Rangers, Kerbal Space Program, Halo 3: ODST, Def Jam: Vendetta, Balloon Kid, Tales From The Borderlands, Guitar Hero Live, Lovers in a Dangerous Spacetime, Unravel, Minesweeper, Affordable Space Adventures, DRIVECLUB, Papers Please, Yoshi’s Universal Gravitation, Blur, Super Meat Boy, Vanquish, This War of Mine, Days Gone, ARMS, Keeping Talking and Nobody Explodes, No Man’s Sky.